I’m going to share with you a skill that is so foundational, so absurdly underrated, that I’m convinced its absence is responsible for most of the dysfunction in our workplaces, our families, and our world.
The skill is emotional regulation.
I know, I know…that phrase probably makes you think of anger management classes and deep breathing exercises. But stick with me on this.
After years of doing this kindness work, I’ve become convinced that emotional regulation isn’t just a skill. It’s THE skill.
It’s the foundation that every act of kindness, every honest conversation, and every healed relationship is built on.
Keep reading, and I’ll explain why.
An Emotional Regulation Problem
Here’s a quick exercise.
Think about the most painful moments of workplace dysfunction, broken relationships, or family conflict you’ve ever witnessed or experienced. Then ask yourself: what was actually happening underneath the surface?
You know that manager who tears people apart in meetings? The one who sends scathing emails at 11 PM and makes everyone walk on eggshells the next morning? Some people call that “leadership,” but it’s not. That’s an emotional regulation problem.
You know that family member you can’t talk to anymore because every conversation about politics turns into a screaming match? Some people call that “passion,” but it isn’t. That’s an emotional regulation problem.
You know that person who reaches for the bottle, the social media scroll, or the binge-watch after a hard day because they simply can’t sit with uncomfortable feelings? Some people call that “unwinding,” but it’s not really that either. That’s an emotional regulation problem.
Here’s the pattern I’m hoping to clearly lay out in this blog post:
Every act of unkindness (every bullying boss, every internet troll, or every relationship that ended in wreckage) can be traced back to someone who couldn’t manage what they were feeling in that moment.
“Hurt people hurt people” is a phrase you’ve probably heard before. Here’s my Shola-ism in response to that: Regulated people regulate people.
The emotional climate we carry into a room doesn’t stay with us, it spreads.
And that could be a great thing, or an absolutely terrible thing, depending on our ability to regulate our emotions.
Let me share how we can ensure it’s the former, and not the latter.
The Ripple Effect of Regulation
This is where it gets hopeful, so I’m thrilled you’re still with me.
When you can regulate your emotions, you can have hard conversations without destroying relationships: You can disagree without disrespect. You can deliver difficult feedback without leaving someone feeling demolished.
When you can regulate your emotions, you don’t become the workplace bully: You become the person who makes others feel safe. And in the environments many of us work in right now, that is a genuinely rare and powerful gift.
When you can regulate your emotions, your kids learn at a young age that feelings aren’t dangerous: That anger doesn’t have to become aggression, that sadness doesn’t have to become silence, and that fear doesn’t have to become control. You give them something most of us never received: a model for how to feel things without being hijacked by them.
And here’s the point that I personally feel is the most important:
When you can regulate your emotions, you don’t need substances, screens, or distractions to escape your own mind: You can sit with discomfort and come out the other side. Whole. Still standing.
The kinder world that so many of us say we want?
It doesn’t begin with better politicians or better policies (though Lord knows we could desperately use both). It starts with our individual ability to feel something difficult and choose our response instead of being hijacked by it.
And yes, while that sounds simple, it’s not easy. Below is how we can make it happen, consistently.
The Pause That Changes Everything
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Quote attributed to Viktor Frankl, Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, Holocaust survivor, and author of the transformative book, Man’s Search for Meaning
Real talk, this is not a glamorous practice.
Nobody’s going to give you a standing ovation for not snapping at your partner after a brutal workday. There’s no viral Instagram moment in “I took three breaths before responding to that annoying email from Denise in the Accounting Department.”
But if more of us got serious about regulating our emotions, I genuinely believe we’d solve half the problems we’re currently screaming at each other about.
So here’s what the practice actually looks like. And yes, I want to be clear that this is a practice. Which thankfully means that this is not a personality trait you either have or you don’t.
The next time you feel that rush of anger, anxiety, or frustration building up in your chest, try these three steps:
Step #1: Pause. Not forever. Not dramatically. Just a beat. One breath between the thing that happened to you and what you choose to do next.
Step #2: Notice what’s happening in your body. Are your shoulders up near your ears? Is your jaw clenched? Is your heart racing? Your body always knows before your brain catches up. Learn to read it.
Step #3: Name the feeling. Research by neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman at UCLA has shown that simply labeling an emotion (“I’m feeling disrespected right now” or “this is triggering my fear of failure”) measurably reduces its intensity. The act of naming it creates just enough distance to choose what comes next, and that space (as Mr. Frankl wisely noted in the quote above) is everything. There are not enough words I can type in this blog post to explain how life-changing this step this has been for me when it comes to emotional regulation.
Here’s what I want you to remember when you put the three steps above into practice:
That small pause between stimulus and response is not passivity, and it’s not weakness either. That’s the space where kindness lives.
That’s where the better version of you (aka, the leader, the parent, the partner, or the colleague you actually want to be) shows up.
Building a kinder world is not going to be won in legislative chambers or on social media timelines. It’s going to be won in the small, unseen moments when someone feels provoked and chooses differently. When someone is exhausted, disrespected, and scared, and still manages to be decent.
That’s the work. And it starts with you and with me.
That’s where a better world begins ❤️.
Ubuntu,
Shola aka Brother Teresa
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Shola Richards is a workplace kindness expert, global keynote speaker, and bestselling author who has testified before Congress and delivered insights to Google, Microsoft, Salesforce, and organizations across three continents. Host of The Kindness Extremist Podcast and creator of the Monday morning Strong Enough to be Kind™ email series reaching 160+ countries, his work has been featured on the Today Show, CBS Mornings, Forbes, Black Enterprise, Complete Wellbeing India and Business Insider Australia. When Fortune 500 companies need to tackle workplace incivility head-on, they turn to Shola for practical strategies to build cultures that are Strong Enough to be Kind™.
